The Ownership Paradigm

In every relationship, there's a point when the ownership paradigm has to be faced and decided on.  The assumption that poly relationships avoid that and that mono ones accept it as a given is neither accurate nor a fair idea of the way either model should work.

When my partner and I met, we fixated on the word "my" a lot, finding it a turn-on to use during sex and amusing at other points in time.  The idea of belonging to each other, frankly, was really hot.  And, that tends to be true even now, long past that infatuation/new relationship energy stage.    As the relationship has deepened, I've found that we pair that type of play with a recognition of each other's sexual autonomy.  Masturbation is still an outlet for both of us, both shared and alone.  I certainly wouldn't presume that I know all his fantasies, nor do I share all of mine.  So, there's a high level of sharing and of independence.  It balances out. From all I know or have experienced of poly models, the same respect is aimed for in those relationships as well. 

"Aimed for" is the key phrase there, though, as both mono and poly relationships in reality fall short of the ideal. Long-term, when you're making decisions together as a family (with or without children), taking your partner(s) for granted often just happens and communication breakdowns occur.  That seems to be what leads to the ownership paradigm developing, as partners lose sight of the independent nature of each person in the relationship's right to their own sexuality.  These days, we've moved on from the idea that a wife could "owe" her husband sex but the smaller ways we claim ownership of our partners still exist and can break a relationship.

This entry from tacit on Livejournal outlines a lot of the errant thinking that can accompany the ownership paradigm for both poly and mono relationships (although much of it is written with poly models in mind). When monoamorous people start viewing their partner's masturbation or fantasies as something they "let" occur, they're claiming ownership, just as when polyamorous people view additional relationships as something they have the right to grant permission for.

The recognition that this is neither sex positive nor even healthy is a big one for someone in a monogamous relationship in ways that may go beyond that recognition in a poly framework.  After giving that the consideration that led to this entry as well as other ways I see my relationship stepping outside the realm of traditional monogamy, I've begun claiming "monoamorous" as a far more accurate descriptor of it.