Monoamory and being bisexual

So, recently, Margaret Cho gave an interview.  Openly bisexual, she ties her sexual orientation with being polyamorous.  You can read that here.

Most people (I hope!) can get that being bi does NOT mean you have sex with anyone and everyone.  And, I think almost as many people know that being bi doesn't mean you have to have sex with both men and women to be satisfied.

But, it seems that the myth is still out there.  That pisses me off.

Maybe more things like this should change to include relationship orientation.

As a bisexual and someone enjoying monoamory, I call bullshit on Margaret Cho's assertion.  It works for her, okay.  But, being bi isn't about how many people you sleep with or even who you choose to sleep with. It's about attraction.  Some bi people act on more attractions than others.  Doesn't change or increase their "bi-ness," in my opinion.  By the same token, not acting on attractions or not being poly doesn't decrease or erase the bisexual part of my identity.

Defining bisexuality as needing poly relationships can be just as faulty as claiming we're all supposed to be mono.

Privacy

So, the other day, Wowzer and I were discussing sexual privacy. The idea of sex in a public place is a hot one.  But, isn't part of what makes it so hot the fact that it's forbidden?  The thrill of getting caught?

If that's the case, then, my question becomes why it's forbidden.  Why is privacy with sex important?  And, why, at the same time that privacy matters, is group sex also so hot?

It's a sexy conundrum.

It's pretty clear that at least part of the taboo is cultural.  In our own past, families often shared one bedroom.  Did the parents ask the kids to hum loudly to themselves?  Or did they just trust that the kids could absorb and handle the fact that their parents had sex?

What about so-called primitive cultures?  I'm pretty sure they don't kick the kids out of their huts to have sex.

Where did this idea that sex is reserved for the private sphere come from?  And, why, in a world of oversharing and reduced personal privacy, is it still taboo?

The Cheating Line

What is cheating?  Is there even a concrete definition?

Apparently, 85% of women and 74% of men consider sexting to be cheating, according to this study.

Is cheating just about a physical act, though?  I've known people who think checking someone out or flirting crosses that line.

It seems like where we place the cheating line says a lot about our relationships.

I consider myself to have cheated in my first marriage.  But, I don't berate myself or label myself a "cheater" for it, given the circumstances of that relationship.  I needed an out and got caught up in sexting and online sex.

That's still an act, though it mainly involves the imagination and masturbating...  And, in some ways, I believe that cheating starts with the head or heart and not the groin.  If we're acting outside the set boundaries of the relationship or its rules, that's obviously cheating.

Where are the rules?  Are they accepted as a given or negotiated?  Ideally, there'd be a conversation and clear understanding of them in all relationships.  But, we humans aren't the best at that.

Monoamory has to include a negotiation of what fidelity is and isn't.

Brave/stupid?

Just got home from a discussion group where I was leading an intense conversation on monoamory and what it is.  And its larger meaning in the universe of sex positivity.  I actually discussed masturbation in public.  I am amazed at myself.  Of course, this is why I'm a writer.  I get to be faceless and just throw thoughts out there for people and then scurry off to my bedroom unnoticed by whoever is reading it.

The discussion was all good.  A lot of people contributed and had interesting thoughts to share.  I'm still toying with the idea of what the tools necessary for successful and ethical monoamory are.

Obviously openness and communication.  We covered that today.  Also, independence balanced with togetherness.  Tricky business, that balance thing.

Wowzer bravely attended the discussion, too, making me admire him all the more.  Given his aversion to being outed, I think he gets extra points tonight.

One thing that surprised me was the reaction I got from some people there.  It seemed like they didn't like the idea that monogamy carries negative cultural weight.

The hard stuff

Have you ever thought about something until you are just sick of the topic?  And then, you suddenly see why the topic was sticking around and pissing you off?

Yeah.  That's me.

There is no "easy" relationship.  Being monoamorous isn't easier, even if it is akin to a relationship model that gets widespread approval.  There's a lot of talk about the difficulty of poly relationships.  I get that--you're juggling multiple romantic attachments in a world where you may not even be able to talk openly about what you're going through or face persecution for it.

It's not fair.

But, if you don't have any good models for a mono relationship that works, either, you're screwed, too.  Just differently.

What's normal?  Is it okay to do marriage like this?  What happens to people in healthy relationships when the honeymoon period ends?

I watched my parents throw things, hide money, cheat on each other, make threats, have screaming fights nearly daily...  Is the absence of that health?  Does every relationship that makes it beyond the rose garden doomed to that kind of hell?

Violence in relationships (emotional or physical) has a tendency to make me physically ill.  Wowzer and I just finished watching the third installation of a series of indie films that feature a couple that, in the previous two movies, seemed very happy.  (Yes, I know it's not real.)  But, what if it's indicative of the trajectory of relationships?

I believe that mono couples can work.  I think it's one model among many that has the potential for health and longevity.  But, the question remains:  what does it look like when it does?

Liking

On a day like today, after we just spent the past 24 with a young member of my biofamily (who'll be known as M from now on), I really needed to read this:

I think you should read it, too.  Then, come back and read the next paragraph.

Being monoamorous, for me, is filled with moments of liking.  I can turn to Wowzer and KNOW he'll always be there.  It's a bone-deep truth.  I can look over at him as he's playing a video game with M and feel:  A) totally at home in the most profound sense of the concept and B) my heart thumps away with oodles of love. Wowzer is it.

Ranting

Sometimes, you just have to rant. Yesterday was a rant day. Things just build up, especially when you have questions that seem unanswerable.  Carving out my own space in the world, being monoamorous, is an intense journey.  Surely there are others making their own thing in terms of relationship models, right?

This morning, I'd love to hear from some who are.